Anna* now thought less often about the possibility that she might become angry and be completely overtaken by rage. The thoughts that she would not be able to avoid anger in the future became less obsessive. She still used the stone**, breathing, and walking*** to be in the “here and now” as often as possible and to observe herself.
Meditation and Accepting Anger as Part of Yourself
She had learned to allow anger to be present — but she still could not allow that this anger belonged to her. Accepting anger as part of herself in the present moment did not come easily to her. She would be thrown either simply out of meditation or into anger.
She could not remain beside the anger without pushing it away or being overtaken by it. You could say that she hated it, just as she hated the meditation that was not working. The guilt over her “explosions” in ordinary life became heavier.
One day Anna was on a business trip in France, and she managed to visit a village where a Buddhist meditation teacher practised. Anyone could join him and, at certain hours, ask questions.
The Metaphor of the Crying Child in Working with Anger
Anna asked how she could accept her anger as part of herself. The teacher offered her a metaphor****.
Anger is like a child who is crying and suffering. Something did not work out for him, or there was something he did not get. Every child needs a mother to embrace him, crying and suffering, at such moments.
These embraces may not remove the cause of the child’s suffering, but in them he feels love and the promise that she will always be with him. Even when he has suffered badly from failure and deprivation.
The teacher said that she was the mother of her child. Metaphorically — of her anger. He suggested that every time she meditated, with breathing or walking, she remember that she was a mother who loved her child, rocked him and embraced him when he was suffering.
How to Stay Beside Your Anger
“Just embrace him, and he will feel relief. Then the anger will be able to be with you at the same time. And then you will have an opportunity to explore its true nature. But this may not happen straight away. You have to get used to each other’s presence. And he, like a child, also needs to be sure that you will not abandon him. When a mother holds in her arms a child who trusts her, she understands the cause of his suffering.”
From Accepting Anger to Understanding Its Causes
The metaphor and regular practice helped Anna. She learned to “be together with her anger,” to see it and accept it as part of herself. But she wanted to go further. The teacher’s recommendations worked, but Anna found it difficult to understand why her “child” was crying. She decided to begin working with an analyst.
That will be the next story.
* — the name is fictional, permission to publish was obtained, and any similarities are coincidental.
** — more about this in the first article in the series
*** — more about this in the second article in the series
**** — when I was told this story, I did not remember the teacher’s name, but I have read a similar story in lectures by Thich Nhat Hanh.