Anna’s story: two patterns of closeness and distance
Anna* couldn’t reach orgasm and disliked people who tried to get too close, emotionally. For years she saw these two things as separate. Later, she realized that her experience fit the picture of anorgasmia in women, where emotional closeness and sexual response are deeply connected.
This is one example of how anorgasmia in women can be linked to early relational patterns and to the way emotional and sexual intimacy develop over time. I’m sharing this story with the client’s permission.
For most of her adult life, Anna didn’t worry much about the absence of orgasm. It wasn’t that it never bothered her. Whenever she asked herself, “Why is this happening to me?”, she always managed to find an article or study saying that some women don’t have orgasms and live perfectly normal lives. That idea calmed her down. The question would fade into the background, and the absence of orgasm in her relationship with her husband didn’t seem to require any action.
“Not letting people into my soul” (Anna’s expression) also felt like a personality trait — something she had learned to manage. For a long time, neither she nor anyone around her seemed to suffer from it.
But when the children grew up and left home, things changed. Anna had more time and space. Questions she used to ignore became harder to avoid. She also started to feel a lack of attention from her husband.
The tension between them grew, and with it came anxiety. Anna decided to see a sexologist first, assuming that the absence of orgasm was a primary issue. Her physical health was fine, which led her to consider that the lack of orgasm in her marriage might not have purely physiological causes.
When orgasm is present alone but not with a partner
And she turned out to be right. Working with a sexologist, Anna learned how to reach orgasm through masturbation. But with her husband there was still nothing.
So the sexologist suggested she see a psychotherapist, assuming there might be psychological factors involved in her anorgasmia.
Anna chose to work with a male therapist because she wanted to understand what was happening in her relationship with her husband. Although emotional closeness with men had always been the most difficult area for her, she hoped that in the safe space of therapy she could carefully approach these experiences and understand herself better.
For someone else in a similar situation, a female therapist might feel more natural — everyone has their own path.
“Not letting people in” and the fear of emotional closeness
In sessions, her attention often circled around one theme — “people trying to get into my soul.” Later it became clear that this theme was closely connected to her difficulties in the sexual sphere.
Anna didn’t like people who pushed in roughly, forcing emotional conversations. But she also couldn’t tolerate those who gently invited her into personal disclosure. Emotionally expressive men seemed “too soft” to her. It didn’t matter much whether they directed their emotions toward themselves or toward her — although the latter was harder to handle.
Anna felt discomfort every time a conversation shifted toward her personal feelings. In her own words, she “respected others,” meaning she never asked them about their emotional lives either.
Emotional distance as a criterion for choosing a partner
This pattern shaped her choice of a husband. She married a man for whom emotional distance was normal — one could even say comfortable.
He was reliable and attentive in daily life.
But once the children moved out, something changed: Anna began to feel a real desire for warmth and emotional closeness.
She started to demand it from her husband. At first, he genuinely tried to give it to her.
Over time, though, he became irritated. From his perspective, every attempt to be closer met resistance and frustration from Anna.
The paradox of closeness
It took Anna a while to notice her own irritation. Before that, it stayed out of focus or was explained by unrelated reasons.
At first glance, it looked paradoxical: she longed for connection and warmth, then reacted with irritation when her husband tried to offer them.
Looking at Anna’s early life makes this paradox easier to understand.
And just to foreshadow: her story holds an answer to why orgasm appeared in masturbation, but not in her relationship — and why the absence of orgasm with a partner sometimes isn’t about physiology at all, but about old emotional strategies.
Early relationships and emotional development
Anna’s mother went through recurrent depressive episodes. She still cared about her daughter, and she knew how to be present when Anna experienced something difficult. In those moments, the mother came alive — engaged, warm, responsive.
But when Anna felt joy or excitement, her mother stayed calm — sometimes almost indifferent.
As a child, Anna felt a sudden loss of connection and importance whenever her joy wasn’t met. It created doubt about her own feelings and a quiet anxiety around positive emotional states.
So she learned to suppress joy. It kept her in the emotional zone where her mother could feel her and stay close.
Her father was barely mentioned in Anna’s stories. Sometimes the absence of a third figure becomes just as significant as presence. The mother–daughter dyad never became a triad, and Anna’s emotional development unfolded inside that closed relational system.
The formation of a false self and its later impact on sexuality
To keep her mother’s attention, Anna developed qualities that weren’t natural to her — but helped maintain the relationship.
In Winnicott’s terms, she formed a false self. She wanted to be the version of herself that provoked emotional engagement from her mother. To do that, she had to hide parts of her authentic experience. Those parts felt dangerous, almost like a threat to the relationship.
Later, this internal dynamic became the foundation of her difficulties with sexual intimacy.
For a child, bodily pleasure means a lot. It is one of the earliest ways of sensing, “I exist,” and “I am this kind of person.” It’s direct and simple. Adults usually respond to it immediately — which is why the absence of response can feel especially sharp.
Early experiences related to the body tend to slip into the shadow quickly. Later, they become harder to bring into adult relationships — especially in areas involving sexuality, bodily pleasure, and emotional openness with a partner.
How family dynamics masked emotional distance
As long as the children lived at home, most emotional attention between Anna and her husband revolved around them. Daily tasks, conversations, logistics — everything was centered on the children.
Emotional connection with the children was safe for her.
In difficult situations Anna saw her husband take action to support the family. But he didn’t try to get closer emotionally. His closeness was behavioral — in a sense, a protective, mechanical skill.
When the children moved out, the emotional landscape of their home changed. Anna and her husband were left face to face.
Wanting closeness and rejecting it at the same time
Over time, shame turned into shame about her own guardedness.
Responding to her husband emotionally would mean showing something she had been hiding for years. So she reacted with irritation.
If she had responded to sexual initiative with excitement, she would have had to reveal both emotion and bodily pleasure.
That felt like risking the relationship itself — and made sexual response shut down in a partner context.
So the absence of orgasm with a partner was maintained by the psyche blocking sexual response when intimacy felt like a threat.
What this story shows about intimacy and sexual connection
This story suggests that difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner may be rooted in early emotional patterns.
Both partners often believe their need for closeness is unmet because the other is unfeeling.
But often the truth lies elsewhere.
This story is just one example — not a universal explanation.
Each person has their own “buried treasure.” I’m using that metaphor deliberately — because uncovering personal patterns can offer choices, freedom, and the possibility to change the shape of one’s life.
That is a real treasure.
* — All identifying details have been changed or omitted.
Русская версия этой статьи: Описание случая: связь аноргазмии и эмоциональной близости у женщины