They first met in a café, by chance. She wasn’t planning to talk to anyone. She took off her headphones, closed her laptop and was already buttoning up her coat to run off and get on with her day.
A stranger started talking to her. She didn’t particularly want to answer. But she didn’t exactly not want to, either. The man seemed intelligent and spoke to her with a calm attentiveness. It didn’t feel like the usual compliments exchanged in a passing conversation.
Although this story may seem ordinary and entirely real, it is fictional. Any similarities are coincidental. But the story below illustrates how fairly subtle manifestations of psychological trauma can affect dating, closeness and ordinary life every day.
Her after the date. Emotional distancing
They talked, and overall she found the conversation interesting. But she hadn’t formed an opinion about whether she wanted to continue seeing him. They agreed to meet again, in the same café, the day after tomorrow.
The next day, she felt that she didn’t want to continue. She had even forgotten that she had enjoyed their chance conversation. Or rather, she hadn’t forgotten — it had started to seem somehow unreal. As if the whole thing had been pointless.
She didn’t remember, either, that in the evenings she gets tired of being alone. Like the evening before last, for example, when loneliness had overwhelmed her. No, right now the only thoughts coming to mind were about why continuing to see him wasn’t right for her.
At the same time, she somehow felt that she wasn’t in control of what was happening. As if there were some kind of force coming from the man that made her feel less adult and less confident. It seemed that she saw herself as a child in that conversation. And him as a grown-up man. She didn’t like herself that way. She even got angry with him.
But since she had already promised, she would have to go.
His disorientation and anxiety after the dates
He, meanwhile, was on cloud nine. He liked the woman very much. The way she looked, the way she spoke. Some turns in her thinking simply fascinated him. He had seen her interest in their conversation. All of this felt very good. He had no doubt that she would come tomorrow.
Well, maybe she would postpone it. But he was still sure there would be another meeting. And yes, he hoped it wouldn’t be the last.
But when they met, she immediately said she had very little time. She even made an ironic remark about something he had said in their previous conversation.
He didn’t recognise the atmosphere. It wasn’t exactly that it had become hostile. But it felt doubtful and wary. So he set about improving it. He was attentive, calm and took initiative. And things got better. Then they agreed to meet again.
Returning to the familiar state after the date
The next day, all her feelings repeated themselves, just as after the first meeting.
And the third and fourth time, too. Only now it was beginning to seem a little strange. She remembered yesterday’s conversation well. She remembered that she had been interested, that she had laughed, asked questions herself, and stayed several times even though she had been about to leave.
But all of that seemed to belong to another woman.
Right now it was completely clear to her that she shouldn’t continue. And the feeling of this clarity came before the reasons. They seemed to catch up later: he is too confident, you don’t meet normal men in cafés, he closes the distance too quickly, he won’t understand my work.
Each reason on its own didn’t seem particularly convincing. But together they formed an indisputable decision.
It gave her more confidence and calm. “I’m an adult, composed, dependent on no one.”
Only somewhere along with the anxiety, everything else she had felt yesterday disappeared too.
“Is it worth it?”
That evening, the man wrote that it had been nice to see her. He didn’t suggest anything and didn’t ask any questions.
She read the message several times. As if a weight had fallen from her shoulders. She felt relief – there was no need to come to the next date. And no need to worry.
But after a while, unexpectedly, the sadness returned.
His feelings repeated themselves too. The same ones on the third time and on the fourth. By the fourth time she was already speaking more clearly about “having no time.” And he already felt that on her side it was less a doubtful, wary attitude and more – a very, very slight hostility.
This shift in mood between the end of the previous date and the beginning of the next surprised him greatly and, unpleasantly, kept him from relaxing.
Psychological trauma and dating: what changes after the date?
In this story, one can see avoidant attachment, fear of dependence, shame, “intuition,” or borderline dynamics. But all of these may also be consequences of psychological trauma.
The sequence and nature of the changes in the woman’s internal states allow us to see how psychological trauma can affect dating and intimacy.
Losing interest after a date: access to her own experience disappears
During the date, the woman was interested. She laughed, took initiative and stayed longer than she had planned.
That was then. And now “all of that seemed to belong to another woman.”
The next day, she remembers all of it. More precisely, she remembers the sequence of what happened, the changing images, him and herself. She can repeat in words who said what. She can list the emotions she experienced.
But she can no longer feel them. They have become more like thoughts than emotions. Yesterday’s experience has lost its emotional layer and has somehow become unreal.
This is an important detail, and it is difficult to describe simply as doubts about herself or about the man. With ordinary doubt, a person can remember their interest, remain emotionally connected to the situation and at the same time have reasons for deciding not to continue seeing someone.
In this story, yesterday’s version of herself becomes foreign and emotionally inaccessible. Feelings are transformed in memory into facts and thoughts, while access to the state itself is lost.
Although from the outside this may look like simply losing interest after a date, less visible and more complex processes are taking place inside.
When she found the man attractive and was interested in him, she began to feel the closeness emerging between them. And when that closeness began to matter, there was a turn in the opposite direction. She distanced herself from part of yesterday’s experience, and that part became emotionally difficult to access.
The decision appears before the reasons
There is another important detail in the story. First, the woman clearly feels:
“I shouldn’t continue.”
The reasons and justification appear later.
“He’s too confident. You don’t meet normal men in cafés. He closes the distance too quickly. He won’t understand my work.”
Each reason on its own may not seem convincing enough. But together they create the background for an almost indisputable decision.
The sequence matters here.
If a person first explores what is happening, notices certain qualities in the other person and comes to the conclusion that the relationship isn’t right for them, the reasons participate in the decision and lead to it.
In this situation, the decision is already there from the beginning. And consciousness gradually reinforces it with explanations.
Where did the “grown-up man” come from?
After the first meeting, the woman feels something else as well: “As if there were some kind of force coming from the man that made her feel less adult and less confident.”
The next day, beside him, she suddenly sees herself as a child. And him as a grown-up man. This makes her angry.
Although she liked the man during the date and he did nothing even remotely threatening, the woman’s reaction was much more intense than what was actually happening between them. She liked him, and that was the threat. Then she “drew” this threat in order to justify increasing the distance.
Paradoxically, she didn’t like the fact that she liked him, that he was attentive, interested in her and took initiative. And so she “made” him into someone she didn’t like.
Nonsense? Only outside the unconscious landscape of psychological trauma.
The landscape of psychological trauma
In Donald Kalsched’s observations, two connected processes can often be seen in this internal landscape.
One is connected with the vulnerable, living, in many ways childlike part of the psyche. The other is an inner „protector” who takes this part under his care. This protector can be caring, harsh, controlling and, when necessary, become persecutory.
If we look at dating from this perspective, we can suppose that it was the vulnerable part that was having a good and interesting time. It was she who, like a child, responded vividly and emotionally to what was happening. She allowed what was happening to affect her emotionally.
But with trauma, this is dangerous. Probably, in the first situations around which the trauma formed, it was precisely this openness — the capacity to trust, to wait, to need, to take joy in another person — that made the child particularly vulnerable. The child may have wanted something, done something, reached out to someone, expected something. And then something happened that brought overwhelming pain.
The child may connect what happened precisely with their own desire, action or openness: “I did something wrong, and that’s why all of this happened.” The circumstances, limitations or responsibility of adults may still be too complicated for the child to understand.
If we simplify the internal logic of such a situation considerably, it is as if an adult appears nearby and says: “I told you not to do that. Next time, do what I tell you. And now let’s “bandage your hand.”
I am simplifying trauma here. But its logic is similar: one part experiences pain and does not know how to make sure it never happens again. Another knows the rules of safety and knows how to deal with the consequences.
Psychological trauma, losing interest after a date and fear of intimacy
And so, beside the vulnerable part, someone appears who knows how to protect and how to deal with the consequences.
His task is to prevent the repetition of an experience that once proved too overwhelming.
He is the one who insists on maintaining distance in relationships. To do this, he diminishes the significance of the other person and breaks the expectation of happiness.
This helps her not to feel too much and not to depend on what the other person does.
In this story, the “protector” is against the date and the emerging intimacy.
The man himself may, for now, be perfectly safe. For the protector, danger arises simply because the man is becoming significant. And the vulnerable part accepts this without question.
The vulnerable part comes alive on the date. She may want to see the other person again. It may begin to matter whether he writes. But it may hurt if he disappears or disappoints her. And the protector knows very well what all of this means.
The vulnerable part trusts him without question. His authority comes from an earlier experience of safety.
That is why his decisions feel like knowledge. Perhaps even like the voice of “intuition.”
That is why the decision appears first, and only afterwards the reasons with which the conscious mind explains it.
And that is precisely why yesterday’s feelings can suddenly become foreign. This is what turns a man who only yesterday seemed interesting and attentive into a “grown-up man” beside whom she somehow feels small.
It is a very stable system. The vulnerable part reaches toward life, another person, intimacy. The protector notices danger and intervenes.
Yet, there is trusts to the protector because once it was he who ensured her safety. She distances herself. The date falls apart.
This is how psychological trauma can persist for years and decades
And this is how reactions arise that look contradictory from the outside. On the date, she likes the man. After the date, she finds it difficult to understand how she could have liked him at all. Yesterday she wanted to stay longer. Today she wants to increase the distance.
Different processes within the same traumatic landscape simply become active in turn.
Both states are genuine and real for her. She is locked inside them.
Along with all of this, a state returns in which the person feels less autonomous, smaller and more vulnerable.
What is usually called fear of intimacy may here be only the visible part of a more complex process.
In dating, psychological trauma may become visible precisely when another person starts to matter. Sudden emotional distancing and losing interest after a date may be part of this same landscape. More about this in the next articles.