Over time, meditation with the bracelet became routine.* Anna got used to the sensation of the stones. She already knew every unevenness and rough spot. Paradoxically, this was exactly what reduced the intensity of the sensations.
She knew what the stones were supposed to feel like, that is, what they were like, and this knowledge began to dominate her perception. It became mental. It was not the same sensation as in the beginning. In the beginning it was physical, more from the body than from the mind.
The same thing began to happen with breathing.
Anna noticed boredom. Boredom made it difficult to keep her attention on the sensations. Anger took advantage of this and began breaking into her life again. Not as often as before, but still destructively. Anna began to feel more guilt about her outbursts of anger and shame about her inability to keep her attention on sensations during meditation.
At some point, she even began to feel that the shame and guilt were adding fuel to the fire of her anger, making it stronger.
Anna tried replacing the bracelet with other objects, but that did not help. It was as if her ability to feel through the body had become dulled.
Always One Step Ahead of Anger
But Anna loved the people close to her, and she liked her work and her colleagues. She did not want to upset either. And she did not give up. She wanted the anger not to return, wanted to become unreachable for it.
Anna was determined to learn as many new techniques as necessary, even if it took her whole life. She understood that anger came from somewhere deep in her psyche. And if this was a race with it, she wanted always to stay ahead of it.
At another retreat, she approached a different teacher and told him her story. The teacher asked:
— Do you really want to be one step ahead of your anger all the time?
— Of course. If it catches up with me, I know perfectly well what will happen then.
— I understand. But then look at where your attention is. When there is no anger, you think about how not to let it appear. When it appears, you think about how to stop it as quickly as possible. You are always a little ahead of the place where you are now.
Anna did not understand.
— But I do notice the anger. Even when I can no longer stop myself, I understand what is happening.
— Yes. You have learned to see it. Even when the anger has not yet appeared. But the part of you that sees and the part that acts in anger — they seem to be in different places.
Anna still did not understand. It showed on her face. Then the teacher continued:
Walking Meditation: Not Letting Attention Run Ahead
— When you walk, you are also walking somewhere, aren’t you? If, for example, you are walking to open a door, you have a goal. You do not think about the steps. You think about the door, about how to open it. Your attention is focused on the door. Now, when you are simply living, your attention is focused on anger in the same way it is focused on the door. You are constantly thinking about how to prevent the anger, run away from it or, at least, get out of it. That is, you are constantly thinking about anger, but you do not notice how you simply live every day, every minute. Just as with the door, you do not notice the steps toward it.
Try to learn not to let your attention run ahead, to where you are not yet. Meditate while walking slowly. Feel one step. How your foot touches the ground, how your body weight shifts. Then the next one. Notice the inhale. The exhale. You continue walking to where you were going. But at the same time, you remain in your body and in the step you are taking now.
— And how will that help with the anger?
— You already know how to observe. Now try to learn not to separate observation from what your body is doing. To walk and at the same time feel how you are walking. To act and not lose contact with yourself while acting. Not only to think about possible events and return to the body when anger has already carried you away.
He was silent for a moment.
— When you walk, ask yourself: where are you going? After all, in every present moment you have already arrived at the step you are taking now.
Face to Face with Anger
Anna began to practise. But this meant coming face to face with her anger and not trying to run away from it immediately. That is, allowing the experience of anger itself to be present, without at the same time agreeing with its destructive manifestations.
At the same time, it sometimes seemed to her that her situation with anger was getting worse. At some point, she felt hatred toward meditation in general and toward the teacher in particular. But strangely, her obsessive thoughts about anger began to fade. She decided to continue her attempts to deal with the anger.
More about this in the next story.